


We Suffer Mornings Most Of All (Bleary-Eyed and Sore)

by DefaltManifesto



Series: Locked Out [4]
Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Female Friendship, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer!Franky, Grief/Mourning, Male Friendship, Multi, Past Character Death, Reconciliation, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-17
Packaged: 2018-02-13 14:01:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2153322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years later, they visit the grave of Chris Miles. And they start to heal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Suffer Mornings Most Of All (Bleary-Eyed and Sore)

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Have To Drive by Amanda Palmer which really gets all my Chris Miles feelings going. I have another two oneshots planned eventually for this 'verse, but no promises on when they'll be coming.

[The Tumblr](http://schizzar.tumblr.com)

 

"I still think this is a horrible idea," Franky says as she pulls her clothes out of the closet. "Your friends can't possibly like me and I didn't know Chris..."

"Yeah well you're our lover so it'll be fine," Effy says. She wraps her arms around Franky's waist and kisses her cheek. "We won't let them say anything nasty. Michelle's the only one we'd have to worry about anyways."

"Eff." Tony's voice holds a note of warning in it and when Franky turns to look at Effy, she rolls her eyes in response.

Tony walks into their bedroom and leans against the doorway. "We gotta go. Are you almost done packing?"

Franky runs a hand through her hair. "Yeah, yeah, just...gimme one more second."

She folds her male dress slacks and throws them on top of the rest of the clothes in the suitcase she's sharing with Tony. Effy shuts the suitcase and zips it up. Her lips press against Franky's and she leaves the room withe bag. Frankie looks up to see Tony stepping towards her.

"You don't have to be worried," Tony says. "They'll like you."

His hands are a firm and steady weight on her shoulders. She leans into him and lets him hold her.

 

-.-

 

Effy never tells Franky about Chris. She leaves that to Tony. She doesn't like thinking about Chris because thinking about him being dead makes her heart twist, but not because she knew him or cared for him, but because the idea of death scares her. Tony knows that so he tells Franky who Chris was.

Effy listens. Tony isn't the most talkative person in the world, but almost the whole way to Bristol, Tony tells stories about Chris. Everything from the hilarious to the sad. To the time his mother ran away and left him alone to self-destruct. To the time he died and Cassie ran away too. People were always running away from him. She watches from the backseat as Franky reaches out and holds Tony's hand.

When he tears up, they pull over and Effy pulls him into the back seat, cradling his head on her lap. Franky drives. When they reach Bristol, Effy crawls into the front seat and gives directions to Jal's. It's just like her, Effy thinks, to be the one to host all of them. She lives in Chris and Cassie's old place and Effy wonders if she sees the ghost of Chris in the walls, hears the echo of his laugh in the shower.

Wonders if she wakes up expecting him beside her and realizes there's no one there at all.

 

-.-

 

Tony knocks on the door, or he tries to but Jal opens it before he can. Her arms wrap tight around his neck and she's standing on tiptoes just to be able to do so. He holds her, hands on her hips. It's been years, but he wonders if she still feels empty inside, the way he's starting to even though he buried his grief long ago against the window of his old house.

"It's good to see you, Tony," Jal says, and her voice is rough in his ear.

When she pulls away her eyes are swollen. Tony brushes her hair out of her face and turns back to Franky and Effy.

"This is Franks, and you know Effy," Tony says.

"Yeah, yeah, come in," Jal says, waving them inside.

The flat looks completely different. All traces of Cassie are gone, but Chris' dish set is still there, a mish mash of items slowly acquired over the time he spent there, none of it matching. Jal has it setting out, ready to serve food when the rest arrive.

"So, Franky, I'm Jal," Jal says, sticking her hand out.

Tony watches as Franky holds out his hand, his head ducked. He's wearing the red suspenders, the ones he always wears when he's nervous and afraid. Tony watches as Effy reaches out and wraps an arm around his waist, hooking her chin on his shoulder while sliding her other hand down Franky's back pocket.

"Hi, nice to finally meet you," Franky says. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Yeah, talking about me now, are you Tone?" Jal asks, looking at him over her shoulder.

"I told him all the bad things," Tony says.

Jal looks puzzled at the pronouns but she doesn't question it. "Well now it'll be easier to impress him."

"Don't go stealing my man," Tony says as he heads for the couch. "Mind if we sit?"

"Go ahead," Jal says. She hops up on the counter, swinging her legs as she does so. The soft fabric of her long yellow skirt swishes.

The yellow is the same color of the dress she wore at Chris' funeral. Something about it makes Tony's heart twist in knots but he doesn't mention it. Effy's giving him the look that says she knows.

"Who else is coming?" Effy asks. She grabs Franky's hand and drags him over to sit on the couch beside Tony.

"Sid, Michelle, Cassie..." Jal says. "Maxxie is too but he's not sure if Anwar can make it."

Tony can't help but brighten at Maxxie's name, even though hearing Cassie's name makes his gut fill with a sense of worry.

 

-.-

 

Michelle is the first to show and Effy is impressed with herself because she doesn't punch her the moment she walks in the door. Franky smiles and shakes her hand and Effy is grateful for his presence. She knows Franky thinks he's the world's most awkward person ever, but he manages to dispel the tension before it can mount.

Of course that only lasts until-

"I'm sorry, who are you dating again?" Michelle asks.

Her tone suggests she's curious, but Effy can see the judgmental look in her eye. She may be dressed in the latest fashionable clothes thanks to her lovely job in London, and she may have cut her hair to be more _edgy_ , but Effy did always know how to tell when someone was acting. Michelle was just as shallow as she'd always been in Effy's eyes.

"He's my boyfriend," Effy says. Again, this earns an odd look from Jal, but she doesn't mention it and just ducks her head as she smiles.

"Right, of course, Tony's not gay," Michelle says with a harsh laugh.

"No, I'm not Nips. I believe the correct term is bisexual," Tony says with a cheeky smile.

Jal snorts and Michelle flushes bright red. Before anyone can say anything else, there's another knock at the door. Jal can't even reach it before it's flung wide open and Maxxie and Anwar swarm in, Maxxie grabbing Jal and twirling her while Anwar does the same with Michelle. Effy smiles as Tony gets to his feet and practically hops on top of Maxxie in greeting.

Effy always liked Maxxie, and unlike Michelle, it doesn't look like he tried too hard to change. His hair is the same, but somehow he's managed to dress in an even more flamboyant manner, all neon yellows and pinks and oranges.

Anwar has changed as well, but Effy thinks for the better. His hair is shorter and while he still talks way too loud for her liking, he's more serious now and there's this odd look in his eye that makes Effy think he's changed even more than he's letting on. She admires that he's willing to pretend that he hasn't for the sake of their little reunion.

 

-.-

 

Cassie shows up last, which makes it a good thing that Sid doesn't show at all. Franky thinks she's beautiful. Her blonde hair falls to the middle of her slender back and she dresses in an all white dress with a single blue ribbon tied around her waist. Franky loves Tony and Effy, but she thinks if she didn't, Cassie wouldn't be a bad deal.

Jal pulls out the sandwiches she'd prepared in advance and they all make up their own plates. Cassie sits next to Franky and every once in awhile, Franky catches the blonde woman giving her a look that makes Franky feel like she's staring right into him and it unnerves him.

"So what have you been doing Franky?" Michelle's voice cuts through Franky's thoughts and he turns back to look across the table.

"University," Michelle says again, drawing out the word. "What are you studying?"

"Oh uh, film," Franky says.

"Oh really?" Maxxie's eyes are bright and he smiles encouragingly at him. Franky can see why Tony likes him. "How'd you get into that?"

So Franky tells them all about his stop motion films while he was still at Roundview, slowly built picture after picture, day after day. When he mentions the name of the college he attended, Franky is greeted by surprised looks from everyone including Tony and Effy.

"You lived in Bristol?" Jal asks.

"Uh, yeah. I didn't grow up here though, I just moved and spent the last two years of college here," Franky says.

Cassie gives her a look that says she knows that Franky never told Effy or Tony what he was saying now. Franky has a brief moment where he wonders if maybe the X-Men are real and Cassie is actually a telepath because her all knowing looks are starting to freak him out a bit.

"Does Doug still work there?" Anwar asks. 

Franky laughs, thoughts of Cassie momentarily forgotten. "Nah, he retired my final year. I didn't realize other people called him by his first name too."

Thankfully, the mention of Doug seemed to carry the conversation away from Franky. He relaxes back into his meal and pretends he can't feel Cassie staring straight through him.

 

-.-

 

Tony drives them all to the graveyard. Cassie and Franky stay behind; Franky to avoid feeling out of place and Cassie because well...Tony doesn't know why. Jal starts crying in the backseat halfway there, but they all pretend not to notice. Their conversation dies off the closer to their destination they get and soon, the turmoil is almost palpable.

There's someone standing at Chris' grave when they get there; the person is still short, still scrawny, and still wearing the fucking beanie.

No one speaks as they join Sid at the grave. There are fresh flowers, too expensive looking to have been brought by anyone but one of Chris' parents. Tony thinks Jal must have had some grand speech planned and he's sure it would have been wonderful, but he's equally sure any words have dried up on all their tongues as their sorrow begins to overwhelm them. He and Effy agreed before hand to avoid too much touching for fear of revealing that things between them had bloomed in a way everyone but they themselves would be surprised by.

Now though, with Chris' five-year-old grave long grown over by grass before them, Tony can't help but reach out and grab Effy's hand. Jal begins to cry harder and she turns into Michelle's grasp. Maxxie grabs Tony's other hand and when Tony looks down at the blond, sees the grief and loneliness in his eyes, the emotions in his own chest well up. He lets go of both their hands and crouches on the ground, fingers twisting in his hair as he begins to cry.

He's not sure why it is that five years later, Chris' death is hitting him like a knife in the gut. When he was younger, he repressed pretty much everything. He knew he'd buried his grief then too, that night he'd left bruises on Effy's hips and bite marks on her shoulders because since then, he could count on one hand how many times he'd thought of Chris. Repression at its finest.

But now, surrounded by old friends, the memories and the grief invade his every pore and it tears at his chest. It's a living thing within him, and it's not just memories of Chris. It's memories of Michelle too, her warm smile and later her cold eyes, and Maxxie with his soft lips and patient hands teaching him how to be a fucking _human being_ again, and Jal as she helps him study for his A-levels and teaches him how to play clarinet because it helps him regain his coordination. And Anwar with his tasteless jokes and bad timing that made Tony feel like he wasn't a landmine to be carefully navigated around, and Cassie with her biting words and sharp wit.

And Sid in a dark club clinging to the shell of his old best friend in hopes that he could fill the hole in his chest that the loss of his father had left behind. Sid, who's arms were wrapped around him now, warm and comforting in a way that Tony only has a small, golden flash of a memory of.

When he pulls back, Tony realizes he's covered Sid's black jumper in tears and snot. Sid just smiles and gets to his feet, reading Tony's worry as he tugs the sweater off.

"'S okay. It needed a wash anyways," Sid says.

Tony pulls Sid into a proper hug then, and for some reason that seems to break whatever pain-filled silence had been holding them all back. They laugh and they hug, all of them. The awkwardness evaporates and Tony catches Effy and Michelle holding each other tightly, murmuring quick words in one another's ears out of the corner of his eye.

"Come home with me, mate," Sid says when they're standing just a few inches apart. "Catch up properly."

Tony nods. "Yeah. That'd...be good."

"Effy can stay with me," Michelle says. Her gaze falls, like she hadn't meant to let the words out without thinking it through.

"That's fine. I'll tell Franks. He can stay with you, right Jal?" Effy asks.

Jal nods. "Same for you and Maxxie, Anwar. We'll all get together tomorrow too, yeah? Like old times?" Her smile is watery, but genuine.

"Yeah, definitely," Tony says, smiling back as the knot in his chest begins to unwind.

 

-.-

 

"Why aren't you going with them?" Franky asks as he dips another plate into the dishwater.

Cassie sits on the counter beside Franky, swinging her legs. "I had sex on this counter once."

Franky frowns and rinses the plate. "Okay."

"I lived here with Chris. He was my best friend. I loved Sid, but Chris was mine," Cassie continues.

"So you want to visit his grave on your own then. Pay him the correct amount of respect."

"Wow, you're like, really perceptive," Cassie says, a smile blooming on her face. "Now let me tell you what I know. Effy and Tony are fucking each other and you."

Franky drops the serving platter in the water and it splashes enough to get them both wet. He stares at Cassie, eyes wide with alarm. "How-"

"We've all seen it coming for years and years," Cassie says in a singsong voice. She hops off the counter and lifts off her wet dress in one smooth motion to drop on the floor. "And you're not really a boy or a girl are you?"

Franky keeps his eyes firmly on Cassie's face. "Sometimes I am."

"Mmm, that makes sense. Leave the dishes. We should change into dry clothes. I can fit in yours," Cassie says she heads for Jal's room.

"Alright..."

Franky opens his and Tony's suitcase and sets his male clothes aside to reveal three different sundresses. Cassie grabs the blue one and pulls it on. She's miles taller than Franky so the fabric falls to Cassie's mid-thigh. She gives a quick twirl and then winks at Franky.

"Are you going to wear one?" she asks.

"Not today, no. My clothes aren't that wet."

"Tomorrow then?"

"Maybe." Franky shoves the clothes back in and faces Cassie head on. "About Tony and Effy-"

"Mmm, no worries. Your secret is safe with me. I'm good at keeping secrets," Cassie says.

"You don't think it's wrong?" Franky asks.

Cassie's expression grows serious and her voice is soft when she says, "Do you?"

"God, _no_ ," Franky says. "I love them."

Cassie smiles. "Good. They don't need anyone else to hurt them."

"What about you though Cassie?" Franky asks. "Are you hurting?"

The smile falters. "Yes, but I'll be okay."

Franky hesitates only a moment and then he steps forward to wrap his arms around Cassie's too slender form. Cassie's arms are feather-light when they wrap around Franky's waist. When Cassie's shoulders begin to shake and hot tears hit his neck, Franky doesn't say a word.

-.-

 

Effy watches from the bed as Michelle digs around in her bag for the nail polish she swore she brought along. They're in her bedroom in her old house that her mom moved back into after divorcing another of her husbands. It's weird to Effy that even five years and three owners later, the place still looks the exact same.

"You should tell Tony what you told me," Effy says as she picks at a stray thread on the bedspread.

"Hm?"

Effy remembers being in this room only once, the first time Tony let her go to one of Michelle's parties. She remembers lying on the floor pretending to be asleep as she listened to the two of them fuck.

"You said you were sorry at the cemetery," Effy says.

Michelle turns to face her, nail polish in hand. "That apology was specifically for you Effy."

For the first time ever, Effy finds herself unable to sort out what Michelle is angling for. She follows Michelle with her gaze as the older woman sits at her desk. Michelle raises an eyebrow as she unscrews the cap of her nail polish and grabs a random magazine to stop any stray messes.

"For once, I have surprised the great Effy Stonem," Michelle says as she begins to paint her nails with quick and even strokes.

"Congratulations, you don't actually get a fucking medal so why don't you just tell me what it is you're thinking about?"

Michelle starts in on her other hand. "I'm apologizing for messing with your brother so much and making him think he loved me. It's you he really cared about and after his accident, all I did was prolong you from helping him really get better. So I'm sorry. I know having all that to deal with was hard and I made it worse."

"Oh." Effy draws her knees up to her chest and wraps her arms around them. "Thank you. You should still probably apologize to Tony too. He does...love you." Effy tries not to wince at the words even if they are true.

"Maybe, but he'll always love you more. You're not fooling anyone you know."

Effy stares at her, heart pounding, as Michelle places the cap back on her polish and blows on her nails. "Is this the part where you start getting mad and throw me out of your house?"

Michelle sighs and folds one leg over the other. "Honestly? If you were anyone else, yes. But it makes sense. Tony's always cared about you and I know that even when you wouldn't talk to anyone else, you would talk to him. As far as Franky goes...I can tell you both love him. At first I didn't think so but the way Tony looks at the pair of you? I wish I'd seen him look at me that way just _once_."

Effy tries to think of what to say but she can only stare blankly at Michelle.

"Look, Effy, I always wanted Tony to be happy. He's not going to be happy if he can't be himself around the few friends he's got. That's how he got in so much trouble in the first place and you know it." Michelle takes a deep breath and unfolds her legs. "I'm just saying, I support all three of you no matter what. I want you to feel comfortable with me."

"I'm sorry." The words leave Effy's mouth before she can stop them and since she's already let that slip, she figures she might as well keep going. "For hating you. And finding excuses to hate you. I was wrong."

Michelle looks shocked and then she gets to her feet with a wide grin. "We are so hugging this out."

"No we're not."

"I will tackle you and I'm not afraid of getting pink nail polish all over your clothes."

Effy glances down at her clothes, decides they aren't that important, and then looks back up at Michelle, eyes sparkling with mirth as joy starts to bubble up in her chest and spread out through her limbs. Michelle tackles her onto the bed and in the end they both get pink smears on their clothes but neither of them care. Effy's ribs ache because she can't remember the last time she's laughed so hard for so long, but she finds she quite likes the feeling and wouldn't mind experiencing more of it more often.

They lie on their backs and stare at the ceiling. They talk. And talk. Effy's never had a female friend, at least not a platonic one. Not like this. She finds that she quite likes this feeling too.

 

-.-

 

Tony finds that Sid hasn't changed much, at least not at first glance. He still hunches his shoulders and tries to make himself small, and he still stumbles over his words when he thinks someone's going to make fun of him. Tony realizes that the last part is probably his fault, but he's still not sure how to apologize, especially since the person who had said all those things to Sid wasn't really him. It hadn't been him for a long time.

They stretch out on Sid's bed, a bag of crisps between them which they take turns eating from. Sid tells him of America, of finding Cassie and trying to make it work and then deciding they were better off as friends. He'd spent time backpacking across America after that and as Tony listens, he realizes that Sid has perhaps changed the most of all.

Michelle is a self-sufficient businesswoman with all her ducks in a row, which surprises no one. Jal's building a solo composing career of composing music while working a steady government job, ever the responsible adult. Even her grief, which makes her linger in Chris' old flat long after she could afford much better, is just like her. Cassie's more confident, but at the core Tony can tell she's the same smart and insightful girl she's always been.

But Sid? Sid looks like he hasn't changed and yet he's the most mature of them all. Tony watches him as he talks, watches his eyes and the emotions that play across them. He wonders when Sid got so smart and he hates himself for not being around to watch it happen.

"What about you though?" Sid asks. "When Jal called she mentioned you guys brought a friend with you."

Tony turns to look at the ceiling. He wanted to tell Sid the truth, but he couldn't help the gut-wrenching fear that if he did, he'd be destroying what he'd just started to regain.

"Tony, what's wrong?" Sid asks, and damn when did Sid learn to read _him_?

"It's complicated. Franky...is in a relationship with both Effy and I," Tony says. "And Effy and I are with each other too."

"Right. Okay. It's not that complicated then, as long as you're happy," Sid says.

Tony turns on his side, expression unbelieving. "That's it?"

Sid laughs. "Oh come on. This is me you're talking to. I'm still your best mate. Maybe if I didn't know you and Eff so well I'd be bothered but...I do know you. Better than anyone else. I'm just glad you feel like you can tell me all this after everything."

Tony's chest aches because he can't believe that Sid really doesn't care, and because he didn't think he deserved such unconditional love. Sid shifts closer and presses their foreheads together, the bag of crisps between them crackling as he does so, and his closeness leaves Tony with no choice but to look into his eyes.

"Remember what you said, mate. You always loved me best. Same goes to you. We're best friends and I'm not letting anything get in the way of that. Not anymore. You hear me?"

Tony shoves Sid back but he's smiling. "Yeah, I hear you."

 

-.-

 

They leave two days later. Franky is pleased because even when she switched pronouns on them, no one seemed to care. She knows, through the stories Effy and occasionally Tony have told her, that back in college things weren't always easy between them and their group of friends. But after seeing them all, watching them lean on one another for support, she can't help but think that she's lucky to be brought into such a tight knit group.

Cassie's number is in her phone now, as is Jal's, and Anwar's, and Maxxie's. It's been so long since she's had genuine friends, she's not quite sure how to do it all. She's not too worried though. She has a feeling they won't mind teaching her.


End file.
